today went by fast. and im about to go to bed.
once i stop itching. i set foot for less than 5 minutes, downstairs, in my own house and i have 5 new bug bites.
why do they love me?
just watch- ill get the west nile virus or the bird flu.

i need to stop scratching my skin raw.
i need to stop scratching my skin raw.
i need to stop scratching my skin raw.

thats the reason im wearing socks now. to prevent myself from ripping my feet apart.
its nasty. im gross.

robert is in charleston with his mom- they won a free vacation. :]
if hes back by wednesday hopefully we'll be going to the meyers park orchestra concert together.
but crystal is playing in it- cello. she be flirtin' with my man. and he don't like it.

my car is broken again. no turn signals.
molly and chris are wittness to this.
thankfully my headlights still work. i would probably be dead now if they hadn't a few nights ago. i have enough trouble seeing in the dark with headlights already.
im not one of those assholes who turns on their highbeams.
i hate when people do that. i cant see a thing with their two suns reflected in my mirrors.

friday hopefully robert and i are going to see saw iv, and we made plans to go to the haunted hayride at latta plantation. im excited.

i love halloween. ( :

this entry is dedicated to molly because she i think is the only one who reads my crap! :D
i luff her.

last night i had the worst luck ever.
first robert left his phone at mollys house. we drove all the way back there to get it.
then we locked my keys in my car.

but today i've had good luck.

i got pumpkins tickets for nov 9th!
finally!

and i hung out with caitlyn at south park mall. robert took me to the flea market this morning. and i saw chris and JR at the mall and we chilled.

tonight im going to a party.
and maybe after that hanging out in SC.


i love life right now.

I have Mr Melki for homeroom.
I dont know him. :p

I'm going to the first day of school. Leaving around whatever time i can be counted present for the day. CMS has this new smart policy that if you aren't there the first day, they'll take your name of the roster. even if you have a doctors note. if you had cancer, and you're basically a walking zombie, you'd have to be there.

After that, I don't know when I'll be back.

Last night, I thought I would be okay to go see a movie with Robert. I thought, hey, i'm feeling better at home, it wont be hard to sit in a theater for two hours.
we missed the earlier showing, and went to the 9:40.
we had to kill some time, so we went into target. just walking around, i got out of breath. i feel like the problem kid everyone picks on.
i had to sit down about every 10 minutes or so. or just lean up against something.

the movie (Mr Bean) was very funny. Mr bean is the only show that makes me laugh out loud. i need to brighten up. I feel like a two year old, because stand up comedy isn't funny to me. but rowan atkinson making faces at the camera makes milk come out my nose.
hes my favorite actor.

robert and i are putting money away to go to scotland in june. so far, we've got about $300 dollars.
when i get my job, our jobs combined- it shouldnt be a problem saving up. we've got 9 months.

I'm glad we're both the type of people that when they have ideas/plans, the people who make sure it happens.
I'm like that in most cases. Realistic cases. Scotland is realistic- we already have a place to stay- with his family up there.

I've never been out of country. and i hear its absolutely beautiful. so im really hoping it'll work out.
we'll make it work out.


i wont be able to get a job though, for about 2 months.
i wont be able to play much viola, or do much of anything for the next two months. i cant drive as of now. my mom doesnt want me to.
i wont be able to drive and claim a parking space the first few weeks of school either. sucks a little. :P

I've lost over 20 lbs this summer.

im going to take another nap.

sometimes i wish people would talk to me.
or communicate with me, when they have a problem, so i dont walk around like a clueless idiot.
is that too much to ask?

Robert and I are back from the beach. The trip was amazing. I enjoyed heading into Wilmington and checking out their downtown area. We ate on a dinner cruise one night, which traveled through the cape fear river and such.
I'm sad its over. I really dont want to be back.

Nothing is improving. And I'm thinking about transfering out of NWSA.
My possibilities are:

-Butler
-South Meck
-East Meck
-Meyers Park
-Independence

Butler has, in my opinion the best orchestra program out of all of those.
The Meyers park orchestra is huge, but it doesn't play classical music. and it sucks.

I'm still a little sick. And tonight

Today I should be going job hunting with robert, jacob, and michelle. and then later tonight hanging out with jeremy.


I threw up last night. In front of robert. i felt awful. and humiliated. but he was really sweet and patted my back, and tucked me into bed before he left for the night.
he treats me the nicest anyone has ever treated me. for sure.

I really feel that I'm just not wanted at NWSA.
Except for in the orchestra department, which is too small to see.

I've thought a lot about going to a different school- with a larger orchestra, since I've found I mix the most with people who love making music, and are serious about what they do. Maybe I'd feel more at home there.

But I've also thought- what if the same thing happens at another school?
I've never had many friends in school.
Elementary school- 0
Middle School - 1
High school- I dont know who is my friend and who isn't.
And I dont want to look stupid, thinking that people like me.

All of my good friends I've made throughout my life have been from an orchestra, or band.
And they take their music more serious than me. They want to persue a career in the music industry, and I want to look into a job in zoology.
So this has separated us all, we aren't the tight group we used to be in middle school.

On the lighter note, Robert and I have been together for over 3 months now, without any problems at all. I feel like I can tell him everything. He's always there, and he takes care of me when I'm down. Nobody but Caitlyn has really done it.

Sometimes I feel like I depend on others for happiness though. Sometimes to the point where others push me away. And then I don't know what to do. I'm an only child, I'm lonely at home. My parents constantly blame our financial problems on me, and when I try to talk to them about my problems, and vent my angst to them, they just tell me its all in my head. or that my depression is causing me to think like that. Is this true? I dont know.

I'm going in soon for neuropsychological testing. They think I have a learning disorder- since I don't have the ability to really express how I feel into spoken word. It would explain a lot about the disconnect I have with my parents.

Things I want:
friends
a connection with my parents
a job
to lose 5 more lbs.

I'm sick. I'm leaving for the beach tomorrow with Robert. I wont be back for 6 or 7 days. I need this vacation more than I ever thought I would.

i got my license :D

now all i need is a car. :[

so my dad apparently has online friends- from a tower of power message board he posts on.

and my dad posted something on there telling everyone to come to our house before the tower of power concert tonight.
...and here they are. online friends.
such a bad example for me.
what if i post on myspace "HEY EVERYONE PARTY AT MY PLACE BEFORE _____!"?

( :
besides it being so weird, people are showing up that we've never met. they're blaring their soul music, and talking about the 70's.

Robert and Jon need to get here soon. :[

i diddd.

i made a B on the exam. C quarter grade. omggg

my bunny died.

so heres my blog about it.

Okay, well I don't know. I've just been pretty okay, but something amazing happened. I ate a whole gallon of pistachio ice cream!!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i! The story goes like this... *reminice* Vladimyr and I were kind of hungry, and so we, being such resourceful folk, decided to go get ice cream before summer was over. We went down to this little ice cream parlour and all they had was cotton candy and pistachio. Vladimyr, I don't know. He runs into the store and obtains the last of the cotton candy, leaving me no choice but to get the PISTACIO. So, I'm like "Sure, what the hell," and I request pistacio. Well, the dude at the counter said "Nobody likes pistacio. I haven't sold any of it in like, forever. You can just have the whole bucket." and I'm like "Okay! Sweet!" and I get the whole damn bucket. I hate pistacio ice cream. I hate Vladimyr for getting the cotton candy. In a fit of rage, I run outside and place the bucket of pistacio ice cream on top of Vladimyr's head. Lucky for me there was a fountain outside and I pushed him into the fountain, where he just sat there for a while as children threw pennies at him. I walked off without any ice cream, and I hate how I had thrown away $3.50 for a bucket of goddamn ice cream.
Part two! This really didn't happen, but I think it would be cool if it did.

I'm walking through a forest and I see a moose. Who doesn't see a moose? Moose are the cheese.


Dey r da budda on mah toste of lyphe!!!!!!!!!!!!




So, then the moose just starts like, talking. Woah, like, talking! And he tells me that he needs a rubber. I'm like, "What? Why do you need a rubber? What for?" and he says "It's mating season! *wink wink*" And so I'm like, "Okay... what do they look like?" and he tells me "They look like those latex gloves that you humans wear." and I'm like "Duuuuude....." and he's like "Yeaaaaaahhhhh...." and then I get a hairbrush and he styles my hair.

list of things i cant wait for:
-Asheville trip with Robert
-Rooming with Caitlyn at UNCG
-Going to the rapter center again, and the whole plantation area down there.
-School to end
-find out i passed chemistry
-a good drum circle
-to finally take naps and not wake up shaking and queasy.

ive been so tired lately.

overwhelmed with rehearsals- living half the life of a professional musician it seems.
lack of sleep and overworking doesnt end with a happy jew.

i miss being able to appreciate the simple aspects of life- i miss thinking like a 5 year old. not having to worry, being truly happy. i miss the attention from my parents.
its true:
you never know what you have until its taken away.

im going to build a fort and watch mulan.

so far my break has been pretty good. minus going to greensboro to see my unpleasant family. i took bad pictures of them, while they were talking about either expensive jewelry or golf.

i had the hannukkah party. it was great. i certainly enjoyed having everyone over- it really raised my spirits. thank you molly for the crayons, the grid toy thing (im not sure what its called) and the head scarf. thank you anna for the super grow. which just got left at my house. thank you bobby for dreds.

yesterday morning i said goodbye to bobby when his mother came to get him (everyone slept over) for the airport.
anna left, logan molly and i sat around never leaving bed the whole day. logan played harry potter games. and well. molly and i were pretty bored.

logan beasted 7 year olds at quidditch.

im happy.
they're weening me off my zoloft. and moving me on to prozac soon. so i should be well, less crazy in class. and less worrysome.

im excited for change. im going to cut my hair again soon. dye it again soon. and re organize my room soon. hopefully all before break ends.

ahhhalfjkwoefjaewofj..!

im sick ) :

so, i sat down this afternoon to eat a fortune cookie. i open it up. here is my fortune:

''it is a sunny day.''

I really don't like it when people forget about previously made plans, and then make other plans. because then i have to find someone else willing to go to such and such. and sometimes that doesnt work out. and i find myself home alone with nothing to do. maybe its just self-pity. my problem overall is that im so incredibly passive. ive tried to fix that about me, and ive improved on my ability to at least talk to people ( i hope) since last year. its something thats very hard for me.
anyways this friday- colum and i might see a movie
saturday- helping molly paint her living room and maybe ians party.
sunday- ren fair with bobby hopefully.

so this weekend has been pretty good.

friday bobby and i went downtown- then to the drum circle. osiris had me play some classical music in the circle. it was pretty neat- and im still trying to find ways that i can play and sound good with drums behind me. its challenging, when your background is completely classical.

Saturdayy i got some work done on the scarf im making. around 4 bobby came again, and we headed over to mr. george's house for our block party. we visited, and ate boca and cookies and pumpkin cake. next we headed out to noda again, and we saw gaelic storm. the first hour or so of it was amazing. but towards the end of it, the energy i felt lowered, and it all started to sound the same. the opening act though, was great- we're probably going to see them in the beginning of november. nothing like irish music. we had our usual milkshakes at the smelly cat, saw lyndsey a few times between the show. we saw michael, kayla, and ross too.
and bobby slept over and we watched an old black and white french movie. ''children of paradise''

sundayyy.
we went to breakfast at the landmark. i filmed him skate with the newly discovered fish eye selction on my video camera- and we ran a few errands, got some ice cream. and started carving our pumpkin.
our first attempt failed, because. well. im not that great at carving pumpkins.

our second attempt was nearly perfect. we carved a realistic image of our president with devil horns. a few times, the eye fell off. but super glue and wire and other items fixed that. its doing well now.

i got my hair cut yesterday- its a lot darker in colour, with red underneath to add accents to the dark fall color. and ashley also cut bobby's dreds a bit shorter. and helped trim the access hair so it doesnt look so matted now. <3 looks a lot better.

i should be heading out soon with my mother- to shop for some fall/ winter clothes. needed badly.

then when bobby's out of tutoring he'll come over here and we can watch 400 blows, and other french movie that susan suggested. that we rented. oh! and the film salvador dahli himself helped write.

im going to try and set a daily routine for myself to help me reach some of my goals for this upcoming quarter so i hope i'll be able to achieve something or other.

i wish people would out right tell me if they're bothered by me or not.

my neck really hurts- my back and neck pain keeps getting worse. i really need it checked out.
i spent some time with lissa after school, trying to find a ride.
i miss our orchestra days. we were two rocking viola players.

this weekend i want to go to discovery place. with anyone who wants to come. molly and i are going. i'd like kenny to come. and anyone. really.

butler is already having their first orchestra concert. and we've barely started rehearsing. we sound so bad.
i need a better orchestra program- so hopefully i'll make it into school of the arts in winston salem.
ughh.